| all we can do is keep breathing. |
[Jan. 23rd, 2008|09:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | new | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kate Nash - Foundations | ] |
here goes...first entry of TWOTHOUSANDEIGHT.
i haven't written in a really long time...again. for some reason i felt inspired to do so tonight. lots of things have happened. lots of changes.
im going back to school tomorrow and i really don't want to. im dreading it. i don't like school at all..i have no idea why but it makes me absolutely anxious. fuck you anxiety. the christmas break went way too fast but it was definitely a blast while it lasted. this was basically my break in a nutshell:
working a lot
friends
boyfriend
parties
bar
shopping
rat problems
sleeping over my boyfriends a lot but still not enough
alcohol...especially rum
sleeping
reading trashy love novels
i didn't get to do everything i wanted to but winter isn't over yet.
new years was good for the most part. i was able to spend it with my boyfriend and friends and get a new years kiss! drama always has to happen though...kinda ruined the night but overall the night was good. the night went pretty fast. i got drunk pretty quickly then decided that i wanted to watch the new halloween...haha needless to say i never got to finish it. too much was going on and everyone kept talking to me. mark gave me snow cones with rum in them...yum! it was five minutes to new years and they had to practically drag me away from the movie to see the ball drop. after that i think i wandered around for the rest of the night with my drink and then the drama happened and then i passed out with justin.
yeah...im with Justin...the guy that broke my heart a few entries before this. he;s my boyfriend now. loooooooooong story. let's just say it's a good one though and im incredibly happy. this time im not just settling. i actually got what i wanted. wow. who would have thought. he changed a lot and for the better. he didn't change completely but he definitely grew up. i couldn't be happier. he treats me amazingly. he makes me want to be near him all the time. it's crazy. im really afraid that i will wake me tomorrow and this will all be a dream. it's really amazing how things can go from the lowest of the low to the highest. gahhh writing about him makes me smile and i could go on and on and on and on and on about him. i could but instead ill just say that he is the person that truly makes me feel im not alone.
on another note im realizing how incredibly impulsive i can be. it can be good...it can also be bad. maybe two thousand eight will be the year that i get a hold on my impulsiveness. maybe not. maybe ill at least stop being so paranoid and insecure. if i could stop that then things wouldn't be so crazy. i don't know..im really a spazz...but it can be fun.
heath ledger died. that's sad. im being serious. he was a good actor. the media is so quick to say it was suicide but i don't know. i don't really think it was but what do i know? rip.
ahhh there is so much more i want to write about but it can wait another night. right now im going to finish drinking my green tea and watch ONG-BAK the thai warrior. good movie. watch it!
Oh and go listen to Kate Nash...she is pretty good and cute. I can't stop listening to the song "Foundations".
Goodnight! |
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| i thought you were special. |
[Jun. 29th, 2007|12:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | not okay | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hole - Malibu | ] |
sean keeps calling me and i keep ignoring his calls. i know, i know...i shouldn't. he didn't screw me over. i just don't know what to say to him. what i want to say is..."i'm not okay. i mean i have good days, then i have bad days, and then i have really bad days...so no i'm not doing okay. how are you?" most of the time i just want to hide under the blankets. work prevents that though and so do my rats.
i did see justin and i did talk to him. this wasn't something i wanted to do though. i think it was a couple saturdays ago that i was having a really bad night. i wanted to get a hold of some alcohol and i realized the only way i would get some is if i want over to the house to pick it up. i go there and find out that they are having this huge party, so i figure sneaking in and sneaking out wouldn't be a problem. well, of course there are a bunch of people standing outside of the house on the curb (which they never do). Of course they had to do it that night. And guess who was in that crowd of people? Yep...Justin. I tried walking really fast past them hoping that they wouldn't recognize me. He does recognize me though and starts to call my name and then he starts to follow me, asking me where I've been. All I could say was "we're not friends." Hah...the look on his face. He was so confused. Freaking clueless. How? I have no idea. So, I go on to explain to him what he did to me as he is practically running to keep up with me. Kinda funny. He tells me that he never slept with anyone. He tells me that he never remembers telling me to "shut the fuck up." He also tells me that the night we talked on the phone, he was on shrooms. No excuse. He did not have to volunteer that information to me. He was telling me how everyone missed me and how he never wanted this to happen. He wanted me to still come over to hang out with everyone else and that he would even leave the house when I wanted to come over. I told him that I really couldn't because it hurt so much and it would be so awkward. I felt sick to my stomach just talking to him. I ended up staying a couple hours to talk to my friend Sean. Then when I left Justin was outside again and I just walked right past him. Of course he had to say goodbye. I wanted to cry so much as I walked to the car.
Needless to say I never did get to have a drink that night. So, now i'm here, ignoring my friends phone calls. I've been trying to concentrate on exercising and losing more weight. I think I'm becoming obsessed with it. With keeping the weight off that is. I'm so afraid to put the pounds back on. I like being in control of something. It's like I need to have control of my weight. I'm not anorexic...not by any means. It probably sounds like that but I'm really not. I just want to be in shape and be skinny. I want to at least have that. I don't know...sadly i feel like that's all i have going for me...which isn't true but that's the way i feel. I feel like I'm being such a bad friend and a bad person.
On a brighter note, I went down the shore to Ocean city NJ with my sister last weekend. We had a great time. We ended up cleaning three shore houses with my aunt and making some money. Then that night, my sister, my aunt and myself went out to dinner. They ordered drinks and didn't get carded so I ordered a drink and got served! I was siked. I ordered a Bahama mama and it was amazing. There must have been a lot of rum in it because it was incredibly strong. Then when we went back home I had a white russian (which was also amazing) and watched jawbreaker. The beach was great...the weather was super nice and even the water was pretty warm. I didn't really get tan though because I used fifteen spf. Oh well...still great. Heather and I went down to the boardwalk one night and went on a bunch of rides...ferris wheel, merry go round, scrambler, and tilt a whirl. I kinda wanted to hurl from all the spiny rides. It was fun though so no complaints. I bought another ring and three posters: johnny depp in a bathtub, queen, and bon jovi in a field looking all sexy. Ohhh and we had chocolate and vanilla twist softserve icecream with rainbow jimmies....so good! I miss the shore...it was nice being so distracted..and not having to work. I love my aunt deb and uncle jay. They are some of the most amazing people I know. I definitely owe it to them for an amazing weekend.
Gahhhhhhhh....I think I need a permanent vacation or a new start. I need to go somewhere completely new. I need my Mad...really need her. I feel like she's the only one I can complain to about this without her trying to tell me that it will all go away and will all be better. I don't want someone to tell me that...it's bullshit. I just want someone to listen and be there. Everyone else keeps telling me that time will heal this...it really doesn't. It doesn't make things disappear...it only makes it seem that way. It could be months from now and my heart would still sink if I saw him. Somehow I need to heal this...only I can really. I just pray i can find a way. I'm an idiot for letting this happen in the first place.
[One night of magic rush
The start: a simple touch
One night to push and scream
And then relief] |
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| I think I've lost faith in people. |
[Jun. 4th, 2007|01:21 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Knife - Heartbeats | ] |
Yeahhhhhhh. I'm so utterly disappointed and disgusted. I can't remember the last time I felt like this. I hate it. I lost a lot last night...respect for people, my insides, my mind, faith, hope, a friend.
I had been seeing this guy Justin for awhile who is also a friend of mine. We have been going through a few rough times but I thought things were going to be better. Why did I think this? Well, because he told me that. I talked to him on the phone the night before and he was telling me how much he really liked me and how he didn't want to sleep with anyone else (and how he wouldn't). He told me that he would be pissed off if I slept with anyone else. It was a really good conversation...at least I thought. The next night I see him and the only thing he says to me is "Shut the fuck up." Oh wait...he did say "hi" but besides that I was a ghost to him for most of the night. When he did look at me I felt like he saw me as "in the way." I guess that's because there were a ton of young trashy chicks there for him to get his dick wet with. Well then I find out that he made out with this slut (yes i can honestly call her that). She was with three or four guys that night. Doesn't really matter if I get the number right because either way that's pretty gross. I see him flirting with her and some other chick. I heard him saying something to his friend about how he was going to either sleep or get with someone. He had no idea I was there or listening.
I then decided to go outside because I felt sick to my stomach. I was physically ill. I began throwing up and then proceeded to ram my finger down my throat. That's how horrible he made me feel. I fucked the shit out of my throat basically. I felt like I needed to get all of the negativity out of me...all the disgusting shit. Needless to say it didn't work. I still felt disgusted...just a little more empty. Oh, and while I'm throwing up a raccoon approaches me. It had to be one of the strangest things. The whole time I'm thinking that it's going to freaking attack me. That would probably have been the best thing that happened to me all night. It eventually ran away and the way it walked/ran was so weird. It was probably the only time I smiled/laughed all night.
Eventually I went back inside and proceeded to throw up in my friends bathroom. I was so upset/pissed that I was pounding my fists against the toilet and punching my leg. I couldn't feel a damn thing though. Then I ended up somewhat falling asleep in my friends bed...I really couldn't sleep though. I wake up to hear some kid asking my friend where Justin is. My friend said he didn't know but I could tell he was only saying that because he felt bad for me. The kid then continued to say..."Oh getting busy." Sean just said he had no idea. Too late though. I heard the whole thing and told him I had to see for myself. I would rather see it and have it end like that. Why hide from the truth? I did see for myself. I saw him (and the second chick) lying on the bed together. That was all I needed. I felt physically ill again but was able to keep myself from throwing up for the third time. From there I went home.
Now as bad as this situation was, it wouldn't have been as bad if he hadn't lied to me. He completely lied to me the night before and did the complete opposite of what he said he wasn't going to do. Thank you so much for that. Thank you for telling me complete bullshit. He said he always wanted to remain friends no matter what but I want nothing to do with him. He did not act like a friend at all last night. He acted like an asshole stranger. I did not tell him to tell me what he said the night before. He volunteered that information. In no way did I force him to say that to me. He should have told me the truth. I thought I at least deserved that much. Guess not. I really thought he was better than that. I had so much more faith in him. Now I have none. I guess every nice thing he said to me was just another lie. Why not right? Thank you Justin. I appreciate it so much. I'm filled with so much anger and I'm just so upset right now. I don't understand how someone who considers you their friend can lie to you and hurt you like that. It blows my mind. I still feel sick. All I want to do is sleep and that is what I already did for most of the day.
I want nothing to do with him anymore. Guess I'm not going over Sean's house anymore since Justin lives there too. I hope it was worth it. I hope he is happy and that this is exactly what he wanted. I turned my phone off because I really don't want anyone contacting me. I don't feel like repeatedly telling this story. If people want to get in touch with me they can write me a letter. I have no intention on talking to anyone (except for Heather of course) for awhile. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I hate feeling this way. I want to get over it but I can't. I keep telling myself that it has nothing to do with me. It's all him. It's his loss and his problem. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm better than that but it isn't working. While it may be true it doesn't make me feel any better.
I've constantly been thinking about this all day. Everything is reminding me of the situation. I keep thinking of all the nice things he said to me and how he used to tell me he loved holding me. That hurts the most...the good things. All throughout the day I've been holding back tears. I was at work and I kept wanting to cry. I've been wanting to cry all night but I'm trying not to. I cried enough for him last night...my eyes were swollen shut this morning. I hate acting like this pussy girl...why should I give anyone that satisfaction. I'm seriously going out of my mind. I thought that writing about it would help. I just ended up writing way too much and feeling worse. I feel like shit...but hell I was treated like shit so I guess it's only fitting. Oh and everyone thought I was throwing up from the rum but I don't ever throw up from rum...I couldn't believe I got away with telling them I had too much to drink. No way was I going to tell them it was from Justin.
I guess I'm going to go back to listening to depressing music. It's the only thing I've done all night besides sleep. So, thank you Justin for every lie, for every bullshit word you said to me. I hope you are proud of yourself for making someone feel this horrible. Thank you for being no different. Thank you for being everything I feared you would be. Thank you for having no respect for me and for making me lose faith. Thank you for making me physically ill and for making me hate myself even if it was just for a little bit. No one should make anyone feel that way. You accomplished to make me feel the lowest I've ever felt. Thank you for getting my hopes up and for basically punching the shit out of my chest (at least that's how it feels). You accomplished so many things in one night. Most of all thank you for pretending to be my friend and for not seeing me at all.
[To call for hands of above, to lean on
Wouldn't be good enough for me, no] |
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| believe in me cause i don't believe in anything. |
[Mar. 14th, 2007|11:17 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | i don't know | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Radiohead- karma police | ] |
i don't even know where to begin. bruises. blood. broken skin. pain is good...it lets you know that you are still alive, that you are still human. i had a dream the other night..and it was probably the most disturbing dream i've ever had. i won't bore you with details..just the gist. Pretty much I was living in this world with one other person, they happened to be evil. There were no other humans or living creatures in this world. The person I was with ended up dying and I was left all alone. I was left to live all by myself. No one to talk to, no one to touch, no one to listen to. I was all alone and I was going to dye alone. Was it better to live with this horrible person and have human contact or to live all alone? I woke up feeling horrible. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. It's really a wake up call though. After everything is said and done all you have is you. You can only depend on yourself. I don't want to say that everyone dies alone but in a way you kind of do. When you die someone isn't dying with you. You are doing that all by yourself. Now is the time to prepare for that. Sure, someone may be there to hold your hand, to just be there...but wherever you are going you are going on that journey alone. So the worst feeling is being alone but you still have to learn to deal with being alone. It's confusing...or maybe I'm rambling and delirious cause I feel like shit.
My body hates me right now. I feel like death. It's probably karma kicking in for not sleeping and for loading my body with alcohol. I've been making decisions lately that I usually don't make. I can't say that they are bad...and I can't say that they are good. I dont know why I over think everything...I should just forget about it but I can't. The right thing is sometimes the hardest thing to do. So true. I feel like I've stepped out of my body and I've been watching. I've been watching myself do things that I don't usually do. I have no one else to blame but myself...and that is the worst part. I make my own decisions...I make my own luck, I choose...everyday I choose.
"For a minute there I lost myself". I've been feeling a lot like that lately. It's amazing how lyrics can fit situations so perfectly. Don't get me wrong...i may seem like I'm not doing too good but I've actually been just as happy. I've been so grateful for the amazing things that I do have. My friends...sarah, mad, jac, heather, kim...everyone who has ever been there for me. I'm so thankful for my family...the ones who matter. I'm so grateful for the beliefs that I do have and that I hold on so strongly to. I'm so happy that I don't let people walk all over me..that I am learning to be happy with who I am. My twelve amazing rats and one mouse make me happy. I swear...I come home after a horrible day of work...after dealing with crazy people and twilight zone situations and they make me so happy...they make me smile and want to keep going. They never judge me. They depend on me. I am their savior in a way. I keep them safe. I love knowing that I am actually making a difference..it may seem small but it feels so good. We need the pain to be happy...we need it to know we aren't dreaming.
No idea what I'm doing with school right now...all I know is I do want to make a living out of helping animals and I refuse to hurt them in order to help them. No matter what though I'm not stopping until I get to where I want to be. I don't care if I end up doing rescue and rehabilitation of animals, being a surrogate mother to them, being a marine biologist...whatever it is I just want to help and make a difference. For a little bit I was thinking of just quitting and doing something like being a school teacher..not a bad job...it's great for some but not for me. I don't believe that is my calling or why I was put on this earth. It's a big part of my life and it is so important to me. I'm not going to throw that all away.
ahhh now the medicine is kicking in and I feel like im floating. fun.
"Hunger hurts, and I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up"
This also explains how I've been feeling lately...I hate talking about guys and shit though...seems so minute compared to everything else that is going on...it still matters I guess. I haven't had a boyfriend in so long...doesn't really matter to me. It's probably because I'm super picky or I give off the "stay away from me" vibe. I know I'll find someone when I'm supposed to. On the one hand I'm so content with being single. On the other hand I want something more but I don't even know. In theory relationships are a good idea but they always get too messy. You might get tired of the person, or end up hating them...losing a friendship, hating yourself. I kinda want someone but it's too complicated. I want someone who is going to hold me and tell me, and make me believe that I'm not going to dye alone...or be alone. Even if it is for a second I want them to make me believe that. No one has ever made me feel that way before...if that happens I may fall off this planet completely. I hate guys...I hate girls. I hate all this lovey dovey bullshit but at the same time I want it. What the fuck is wrong with me. Sometimes I think I have all the answers but when it comes to this I know nothing. I want someone to miss me, to want me. Gahhhhhhhhh i don't know. I'm talking in circles. I want to cry, scream, laugh...all at the same time.
Just don't forget me. I don't want to disappear..or be completely alone. |
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| andrew w k knows best. |
[Dec. 15th, 2006|01:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  excited | ] |
| [ | music |
| | PDP 2 dance mix | ] |
My freakin Madtwin comes tomorrow! I'm so excited....seriously. I need this special girl time with her. Lots of pirate movie watching and captain morgan drinking lies ahead! Dancing, dancing and more dancing to the PDP dance mixes. Of course there will be lots of twin cuddling and underwear pillow fights...haha...isn't that what guys imagine chicks doing at sleep overs? I'm siked! Who knows what else we will be doing....last time spandexman craziness happened...so much fun. Sarah won is coming home too and it will be a crazy yingyang/twin trio..crazy hullaballo. I can't wait until tomorrow! First of course I have to get through an eight hour day of work but after that it is p a r t y time!
Still need to finish my christmas shopping. I decided I'm only buying for the people who I can't live without...all the hot bitches and my family. I pretty much know what I'm getting everyone except for Won and my mom. I can't say what I'm getting for anyone because with my luck they will end up reading this (mad). Finals are over though and I can now focus on fun stuff like christmas shopping and cleaning my room (haha...not fun).
This is really random but a couple nights ago I had this crazy dream that I was half jewish and was going to be gassed...because i was only half, i was able to get away. Then last night I had some crazy marilyn manson dream and a dream that my parents forced me to go to these crazy ass haunted houses...all i really remember is that there was a spider one/fuzzy creepy crawlers haunted house, a disney villians one, one from the movie "the shining," which was supposed to be really scary, mike myers/jason/leatherface/freddy one. I don't know...it was scary. Mad, sarah and my grandmom made guest appearances. Haha...yeah I have some really strange dreams...i hate trying to explain them because I can never do them justice.
All i know is I can't wait to see Mad and make her do the shakira dance for me! Better be ready gurrrrrrrrrl. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 4th, 2006|10:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | hopeless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | imogen heap - walk | ] |
i feel like i am at a very low place in my life right now. life is going way too fast and i can't seem to keep up. i can't keep up with anything.
i have absolutely no motivation when it comes to school and i don't even know if this major is the right one for me. why should anyone have to hurt animals in order to help them? i do not agree with it and i refuse to take part in it. i have decided to change my major, and i hope that i am making the right decision. i'm just so afraid of failing. i really can't afford to lose my scholarship and i can't afford to let people down....especially myself.
i keep questioning so many things about my life, about my future. i don't want to live to work. i want to enjoy my life, have fun, and not have to worry. so what if im not making a ton of money? sure, it would be nice, but as long as im doing something i enjoy, that's really all that matters.
i'm questioning friendships...relationships. i'm finding out who my true friends are, and im finding out that i never even knew some of these people. there are some that i know i can always count on. i know that they will be there for me and they have always been there for me.
many people act as if they could not live with a boyfriend/girlfriend but to me friends are more important. i still feel as if im losing my friend jac to her boyfriend. i still wish for them to break up....this has been going on for almost two years i believe? nothing is changing...i do not believe that they have a healthy relationship. i believe that she has changed and that with him she will never really be herself. she used to be this really independent person but now that she is with him...she has just changed so much. her morals have changed...things i didn't think she would ever do, she has. now this is all old news but it will forever weigh on my heart...at least until something changes for the better.
now while i don't think that your whole life should revolve around a relationship, i do wish that i had someone. i don't need someone...i can live without having someone, but it would be nice. im ready to be with someone again. i'm past all of the anger and all the sadness. i'm not longing to be with someone from the past. i want someone new...someone i've never met before. im picky though...i've been very picky. i don't want to just settle for okay...i want what i deserve. im sick of being with an asshole who thinks they are always right...who yell, who emotionally abuse. im better than that and i deserve better than that. i don't want someone that tries to control my life..i want someone that adds to it. one and one makes two...not one. that's the way i want my relationship to be. i don't want to be defined as one person...i want us to both bring something to the relationship. i want us to have our own identities but still care about each other...still want each other. i just want someone to truly care. ive been in relationships with some of the clingiest guys and ive still felt so alone. i want someone who makes me feel safe...who makes me feel like i can count on them. isn't that important in a relationship? i think it's way more important than being with each other 24/7 and doing EVERYTHING together. doesn't mean anything...doesn't mean you have a good relationship.
i really wish something would happen...some sign. i need to know where to go from here...what to do. i need something good in my life...i need a change. im starting to lose my faith in so many things. i need something to renew that faith...anything..anything at all. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2006|03:19 am] |
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My license test is in one day (wed) and I'm freaking out. I hate driving as it is but seeing that I'm 19, I really need to get it. I completely forgot all about it and now im having a panic attack. I have bruises all over my body from the party I was at the other night and apparently peeing into cups/bottles has become a habit of mine. I really need to meet new people and maybe go back to disneyworld and live there. Hah...it seriously was the happiest place on earth. Right now the only creatures? that haven't been getting on my nerves are my rats/mouse. I love my bubbies to pieces. Working two jobs is really killing me and then when school starts they are going to kick my ass even more. I really need a best friend in my life right now. I feel like I've lost all my good friends. I hate to say life sucks because honestly it really doesn't but I am incredibly overwhelmed. I need something. I have no idea what that is but I hope it happens soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2006|01:54 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | tired/annoyed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | radiohead | ] |
Uhhh, I haven't written in this in a really long time. Basically because I have been so busy and also because no one I know has a livejournal. I know...can you believe that? So here's a quick update.
I'm still working at the bakery but now I have a job working at a vets. Summer is kind of ehh right now because I've been working so much. I went to disneyworld/universal and that was amazing! I had Jack all to myself...that's right no Ken. Got back together with Ryan and then he did the same thing so basically I said fuck it. I'm a lot happier without him. I met a nice boy who I wasn't looking for. He's great...but I don't know. I'm not feeling it...or he is just really clingy? I'll have to see how things go. I still can't stand Ken but that will never go away. My other half is in Korea and my partner in crime works A LOT. So...I lost all my girls and now I'm going insane. Madeline is in europe and Jack is attached to Ken's hip. I'll be putting an ad in the paper for a new best friend. Any takers? Must be a chick!
So far the rest of the summer is as follows...
Lots of work!
Going down the shore.
Warped tour.
and that's about it for right now.
I'm tired and cranky and my bed is calling me. Hopefully things will pick up! |
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| I should have quit while I was ahead. |
[Jan. 14th, 2006|02:56 am] |
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At first I wondered why the hell I even made this journal and what I was even going to write in it. Thanks to someone I know, I felt inspired to write a little something tonight. I thought I knew this person and I thought he was a good person but I'm starting to think he's just a fake. I haven't had luck with relationships recently, so why have one now. I've always been told that you can only ever really trust yourself and I am starting to believe that. I'm not lonely and I don't need anyone to make me happy. I'm exhausted though and as much as I'd like to continue, I think I just want to sleep. I welcome the emptiness of my bed. It never lies. |
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